Jun. 1st, 2017 06:04 pm
dracoqueen22: (Cantlookyouintheeyes)
[personal profile] dracoqueen22
 No adverbs, just June. Because while I started May generally starting to feel better, the mire that the month became dragged me down, down, down. 

June is for... I don't know. Recovery? Got a doctor's appointment Friday and maybe I can finally start getting some help for my health issues. I'm going to try and snag some overtime at work whenever it's available to clear out some of this debt hanging over my shoulders. Keep on with the diet and exercise until I'm at a healthy weight. Keep my house clean. Catch up on all the movies, books, and tv shows I've set aside over the past decade while pursuing the impossible. And I'll poke at words whenever I feel like it. 

I'll decide, over June, whether or not I'm going to keep posting to AO3. It might be better, to keep what enjoyment I have left, to only post on Dreamwidth and friends-lock it. That way I know the people who are reading it, are people who actually want to read it, and not just want to pick something they aren't interested in so they can tell me all the ways it's not to their personal preferences. I will maintain the archive at wordpress, which will be open to all, but commenting won't be available on there and luckily, very few people know it exists. I do have a couple of commissions I owe, and those will be posted to AO3 per the original agreement, but personal projects may not be. I'm still debating with myself. 

Fandom and fanfiction are supposed to be fun. An indulgence. A way to escape. If I wanted controversy and dealing with hate, I'd go back to writing original fiction where at least I'd know the challenge I'm getting myself into. And at least, if I'm lucky, I might get paid for it, to compensate for all the rest of the awful I have to deal with.

I hate the feeling of working so very hard on something, and having that hard work be boiled down to whether or not someone likes the pairing, and choosing to comment only for that reason. It's just exhausting and whittles away what little creative energy and self-confidence I have, and I'm afraid there won't be any left soon. I know I'm not the greatest writer or the best, and the things I'm good at are pretty narrow, so I'm not fishing or trying to hold my works hostage. I'm just trying to figure out how I can mitigate my own upset, without punishing those who actually enjoy my scribbles. 


I don't want to stop writing. It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. I've already given up on any chance of doing it professionally. Giving up on it as a hobby is the last thing I want to do, but if it gets to the point where it's not even fun anymore, then I will. The last thing I need is for it to be a noose around my neck.  

So that's June. 

In thirty days, July might be different. We'll see. 

Date: 2017-06-02 05:53 pm (UTC)
wyntir_knight: (Default)
From: [personal profile] wyntir_knight
... and not just want to pick something they aren't interested in so they can tell me all the ways it's not to their personal preferences.

I cannot tell you how often I have wished that there was a good way to say: "I love your work but the subject matter is triggery for me but I so wish that I could read it because I love your stuff so much" without it coming across as "OMG You triggered me! Write different stuff!" I'd like to assume that others feel the same way and that's why there's so little commentating going on on A03. Of course I tend to be very good at deluding myself ...

Maybe moving to a new posting venue is a good idea. After all, they do say that a change is better than a rest. I hope that you keep with writing in one way or another and that you get your inspiration back.

Date: 2017-06-07 07:55 pm (UTC)
balloonarcade: (Default)
From: [personal profile] balloonarcade
I hope you find a new balance that works for you.

Give me a moment while I flail at you because I'm totally guilty of consuming your work without giving you the proper praise and feedback you deserve and it turns my stomach to hear you dealing with hate and controversy within fandom for something that should be FUN.

Honestly, drama is what kept me lurking forever. I want fandom to stay as a fun and a creative escape.

I binge read a lot of your stories just under a year ago when I was going through a rough time and they helped give me a much needed escape from my reality and pain for a bit as I relearned how to walk. You are one of my favorite authors I have encountered online, and I totally made a Dreamwidth account BECAUSE you posted you were leaving Tumblr.

You have always impressed me with the diversity of your pairings, the sheer cast of characters you can write for with multiple facets to their dimensions, your world building, your diversity of backstories, and that you push can boundaries, forging new ground instead of following the status quo.

I'm the type of person who sails ships based on backstories more than the pairings themselves, and you always manage to set new little canoes sailing in my heart with your plotlines and attention to detail.

I'll always have a soft spot for your Transformers Prime AU because through that you introduced me to G1 characters I had only glossed over before when I encountered them.

From there, you spiraled me solidly out of X-Men and Star Wars fandom into Transformers where I had only dabbled at the edges of Prime and Bayverse.

Ao3 as a platform for leaving comments can sometimes spook me off depending on the subject matter. I have never had a problem squicking out of a story without comment if I don't enjoy what I"m reading, and I enjoy confronting any of my own triggers through stories. Sometimes I just like to explore darker aspects and themes, the pain in my own life forgotten as I experience a different pain through your characters.

Sometimes I want to flail at you about something you've written surprising me or evoking "x" emotion or hell even introducing me to a new kink I never considered but because you WROTE IT SO WELL it worked for me. But because Ao3 is so "public" in a way, I can feel uncomfortable leaving comments about kinks because I lurked for over fifteen years in various fandoms and I never talked about kinks with others because of how I was raised.

Anyway *gushing Balloon fan flails at you and your writing* and I totally respect and empathize how hard it can be to hold onto the last remnants of doing what you love.

Certainly, you as a person come first and I wish you many blanket nests as you catch up on shows and movies while focusing on your health as you move forward.

Date: 2017-06-27 06:08 pm (UTC)
fuzipenguin: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fuzipenguin
*flies in and glomps you virtually*

Hey - I'm just now starting to catch up on online things that have happened over the past 6 months or so. I know you and I had talked over privately, but I honestly forgot about dreamwidth until the whole LJ fiasco, so I haven't been keeping up with you here. I'm so sorry about your experience with tumblr and fic comments - it just sucks all around. It's not fair to you at all. I probably get a fraction of a percent of those kind of comments and I know it can be discouraging for me, so I really feel for you that you have had so many of them.

Do what is best for your sanity and if you let me, I will definitely keep reading your fics. Maybe slowly because I've left so many things fall by the way side lately just to keep going daily, but I will read them!


dracoqueen22: (Default)

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