Jun. 1st, 2017 06:04 pm
dracoqueen22: (Cantlookyouintheeyes)
[personal profile] dracoqueen22
 No adverbs, just June. Because while I started May generally starting to feel better, the mire that the month became dragged me down, down, down. 

June is for... I don't know. Recovery? Got a doctor's appointment Friday and maybe I can finally start getting some help for my health issues. I'm going to try and snag some overtime at work whenever it's available to clear out some of this debt hanging over my shoulders. Keep on with the diet and exercise until I'm at a healthy weight. Keep my house clean. Catch up on all the movies, books, and tv shows I've set aside over the past decade while pursuing the impossible. And I'll poke at words whenever I feel like it. 

I'll decide, over June, whether or not I'm going to keep posting to AO3. It might be better, to keep what enjoyment I have left, to only post on Dreamwidth and friends-lock it. That way I know the people who are reading it, are people who actually want to read it, and not just want to pick something they aren't interested in so they can tell me all the ways it's not to their personal preferences. I will maintain the archive at wordpress, which will be open to all, but commenting won't be available on there and luckily, very few people know it exists. I do have a couple of commissions I owe, and those will be posted to AO3 per the original agreement, but personal projects may not be. I'm still debating with myself. 

Fandom and fanfiction are supposed to be fun. An indulgence. A way to escape. If I wanted controversy and dealing with hate, I'd go back to writing original fiction where at least I'd know the challenge I'm getting myself into. And at least, if I'm lucky, I might get paid for it, to compensate for all the rest of the awful I have to deal with.

I hate the feeling of working so very hard on something, and having that hard work be boiled down to whether or not someone likes the pairing, and choosing to comment only for that reason. It's just exhausting and whittles away what little creative energy and self-confidence I have, and I'm afraid there won't be any left soon. I know I'm not the greatest writer or the best, and the things I'm good at are pretty narrow, so I'm not fishing or trying to hold my works hostage. I'm just trying to figure out how I can mitigate my own upset, without punishing those who actually enjoy my scribbles. 


I don't want to stop writing. It's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. I've already given up on any chance of doing it professionally. Giving up on it as a hobby is the last thing I want to do, but if it gets to the point where it's not even fun anymore, then I will. The last thing I need is for it to be a noose around my neck.  

So that's June. 

In thirty days, July might be different. We'll see. 
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